PUMPING IRONY

With gas prices headed toward $4.00 and corn-based ethanol driving up the prices of dozens of corn-based foods, I began to wonder if there might not be a better idea floating around somewhere; something to replace the automobile. I knew it would have to be bold, clever, imaginative. It came to me in my sleep.

I dreamt I was at the Federal Building, talking to . . . whomever it is you talk to when you market something new.

“I call it the Bartley XCZR,” I said with smiling confidence: “It’s sleek, it’s comfortable, it’s affordable – almost everyone could have one – it’s reasonably fuel efficient and is packed with safety features. But the best part is, once we go into full production the Bartley will become a cornerstone of American industry. Worth billions. Really, it’s bitchen!” I said.

I paused, letting that sink in. “In the name of full disclosure,” I continued, “it does have a couple of small drawbacks. First, it uses fuel that isn’t readily available in North America, so we’d have to actually buy the fuel from other countries, some of which are run by ruthless dictators, others of which have theocracies whose human rights records make the Inquisition look bright. But we need the goddamn fuel so we’ll just have to abandon any sense of right and wrong, and grovel at their feet. I think it’s worth it.

“Also, despite all the safety features, once the Bartely becomes more or less universal, about 45 to 50,000 people will die in them every year . . . you know, depending on the weather. Plus a couple hundred thousand injured. Hey, did I mention that it comes equipped with an ipod hook-up and BOSE speakers . . . standard.”

I woke up, still thinking about mass transit, wondering how we had gotten here and where the hell we were going.

a foot on either side