UNCIVIL ENGINEERING

Most locals are aware that Los Angeles has a little sewer problem. Every now and then the Times carries a picture of a blonde, blue-eyed surfer cresting a wave amidst a sea of human waste, with a big sign in the background reading, "Beach Closed." It ain't a pretty sight.

So, the federal government stepped in and mandated a solution to the clogged-sewer problem; that's the key word, mandated. They put up some big federal bucks and told the city council to fix it. No problem! The city put its best engineers on the job, and the solution can be seen everywhere in the neighborhood. What they did was they covered the storm drains in the gutters with new steel grates. The idea was that the grates would let the water flow in but keep all the leaves and trash out, thereby keeping the sewers unclogged, the federal government happy, and the beaches pristine. Problem solved, eh?

So I'm walking Max the other day and he likes to pee near the gutter so I happened to notice all this new work the city had done. What I saw was this: the gutters, the storm drains, the new grates over the storm drains, and all the leaves and trash piled up on the new steel grates. I thought to myself, "That won't work. How does the water get through?" Which is to say, "How does the storm drain?" I was soon to find out.

As it happens, the intersection where I live is at the geographic bottom of a rather large neighborhood. So if the circus came to town and there was a parade and the elephants peed at Hollywood and Vine, that pachydermal stream would eventually find its way to my house. Needless to say, when it rains, flooding is a major problem. Storms drains have traditionally alleviated that problem, but now the steel grates have recreated it.

Did I mention that it's raining? I called 311, got the Street Maintenance Department, told them the streets were flooded and explained the problem as best I could. The man I spoke to said his hands were tied. "Well I'm sorry to hear that," I said, "but we're up to our hubcaps in water here. He politely explained that the federal government had mandated a solution to the clogged-sewer problem, which the city had solved, and that when they mandated a solution to the flooding problem they would solve that one, too. Until then, apparently, we're on our own.