FLIGHT PLANS

We flew to Chicago over the holiday. Upon return, our 757 descended from 5,000 feet, completed its sweeping right turn and began a final approach to LAX. As the downtown skyline slid by on the right side of the plane, I noticed patches of bright purple in all the neighborhoods of the city. The Jacaranda trees are in bloom again. As it turns out, that was the best part of either flight.

The airline industry has taken a romantic, adventurous mode of travel and turned it into a pedestrian, uncomfortable (and I strongly suspect unsafe) means of getting from here to there. If they had their way, I have no doubt they would sedate passengers in the terminal, pack ‘em in boxes and ship ‘em to their destinations alongside their luggage.

We parked at Wally Park on the way out of L. A., a fairly convenient, long-term parking facility, which then shuttled us to the United terminal. We waited twenty minute at the curb for the privilege of pre-checking out bags at a relatively painless $2 per bag. Stepping inside, the second line was a bit longer. After twenty-five minutes or so, we showed our boarding passes – printed at home in advance – and ID to a security guard who yawned and directed us to the third line. It was now eight a.m. – our flight left at ten.

As we approached the third line the room-temperature actually rose five to ten degrees, from sheer body heat. The third line, the actual security line, extended down the terminal for about fifty yards, then turned and came back. There were a lot of people, most dressed casually, in shorts, t-shirts, and flip-flops. There were people with children, people who spoke little or no English, people on cell phones. At about eight-thirty, TSA security guards began asking if anyone had a nine o’clock departure time. Those who did, those who hadn’t bothered to be on time, much less early, were ushered to the front of the line so as not to miss their flights. Those of us who had come early simply waited longer. This line took just over an hour.

After finally passing through the pretend security check, we walked through the terminal looking for someplace decent to have breakfast. There was only a long line of McDonald’s-class, fast-food outlets; some were doubtless better than others, but they were all essentially McDonald’s. We ate as little as possible and bought snacks for the flight, as the airlines no longer serve actual food.

The plane is boarded in groups, ass-backwards, with those in seated in front going first, followed by those seated in back. The result, of course, is that those who board first completely block the aisle as they stow their carry-ons and get settled, while those who board afterward must simply wait, adding to the overall boarding time and subtracting from the overall pleasure of the flight.

The plane itself is a model of efficiency if not comfort. There are approximately thirty-five rows of six seats each in the main cabin. Each row is so close to the one in front that entering or exiting in a vertical position is simply impossible. You must lean backwards, and are forced to grab the back of the seat in front for support. Needless to say, if the person seated at the window wants to get out, the people in the middle and aisle seats must get out first. Each seat is painfully small while the aisle is perhaps wide enough for Paris Hilton, though not a normal person.

Once in flight, passengers are provided with coffee or soda; everything else is on a cash-only basis. The flight attendants are in their forties, unhappy, and generally rude. Baggage retrieval is about as efficient as can be expected, though I did notice that no one asked to see a claim check. Whatever bag you took was yours for the taking.

The return flight was identical, with one small exception. We flew on Memorial Day, so even though the flight was full, the airport was not. We breezed through all three lines in less than a quarter of an hour and were left with lots of time on our hands, which turned out to be a good thing when United decided to change departure gates . . . without telling anyone.

The lesson in all this seems painfully clear to me: The airline industry can provide good service and tight security for a certain number of passengers on a given day. When that number goes up, through bad planning or, more likely, simple greed, the result is a lack of security, a huge increase in waiting time, and the virtual abandonment of service. If United Airlines were any other kind of business they would be out of business. No one would tolerate this kind of abuse in a free market. But of course, the travel industry is not a free market because there are no viable alternatives. My personal choice is to fly as little as possible, hoping the airlines do go out of business and are replaced by something better. But then I’m just a cockeyed optimist.

a foot on either side