FLACIDEX

SMERK Pharmaceuticals, the national giant, announced today that it will launch its newest product by the end of the month. Flacidex, aimed at RPS victims, got the full, and somewhat surprising, support of the Republican National Committee.

The RNC threw the entire weight of the Party behind the new ad campaign. RPS – Restless Penis Syndrome – is a chronic ailment of middle-aged conservatives. Flacidex is an anti-erectile agent intended to reduce the occurrence of runaway johnsons. Though medical researchers have been unable to discover the link between bigotry and uncontrolled lust, the RNC felt it had to move forward.

Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, recently revealed that he has been having an extra-marital affair with a woman from Argentina. Sanford, the latest in a long list of Republican conservatives caught with their pants down, had been secretly participating in a Flacidex test program. The rising Republican star – no pun intended – also revealed at yesterday’s press conference that he had temporarily gone off the drug. In a rambling apology to reporters, Sanford embarrassed his wife, his family, his Party and most of the people in his state. More news is expected to follow.