MILLER IN THE MIDDLE.

Though it is not generally known by the public at large, the family of popular comedian Dennis Miller was in fact kidnapped almost two years ago by radical right wing conservatives, and is currently being held hostage at a religious theme park in North Carolina. The media has kept quite during sensitive negotiations.

I don’t have any factual evidence of this kidnapping, but it’s just about the only reason I can think of why a reasonably intelligent, fairly funny guy would leave the comfort and sanity of liberal humor to venture into the dark corridors and narrow thought patters of conservative dogma. Apparently, though, he did leave something behind for the rest of us. The piece below has been circulating on the web and I am only too happy to use my little blog to give it more exposure.

A foot on either side.

1XCZR

Dennis Miller on The Middle East

"A brief overview is always helpful before analysis, so as a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Here we go.

The Palestinians want their own country. Here's the thing about that - there are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is actually a modern invention - unless you count the two thousand years during which the tribes of Israel were generally known as Palestine.

Before Israel won the land in the Six Day War of 1967, Gaza was owned by Egypt, the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and, as I said, there were no "Palestinians." As soon as the Israelis took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, suddenly there were "Palestinians" all over the place, weeping over their deep bond with their lost land and "nation." So for the sake of honesty, let's not call these delightful people who dance for joy at American deaths “Palestinians.” Instead, let's call them what they are, "Other Arabs Who Can't Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death." That might be a bit unwieldy for CNN newsmen, so how about this: "Adjacent Jew-Haters."

Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Here’s the thing about that: they actually don't. You see, they could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course --that's where the real fun is -- but mostly they want Israel.

Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel - or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it - for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of Arabs away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon, most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something. I roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim Middle East. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.

Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five Million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. They swear that if Israel would just give them half of that pack of matches, everyone would be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding. My friend, Kevin Rooney, made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting. Now, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.

Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations in Iraq it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies. No easy task. However, in any big-picture strategy there's always a danger of losing moral weight, and we've already lost some. After September 11th our president told us he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City bombing every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing, and we tell them to show restraint. If America were being attacked every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan.

Please feel free to pass this along to your friends. Walk in peace! Be Happy! Have a wonderful life!