JEWS

Two Jews walk into Canter’s Deli. “Oy, God,” the fat one says, “I’m so stuffed. My pants are too tight - I can’t eat a thing.”

Overhearing the remark, the hostess steps up and says, “Darling, come. Sit. You’ll get some bigger pants. Have a lox ‘n bagel, some matzohbrie, a piece of cream pie . . . you’ll feel much better.” She turns on one spiked heel, “Gimme a set-up on 23,” she yells, just a skosh too loud.

Mayor Villaraigosa walks into a City Council meeting. “Aeee, carummba!” he says, “The freeways are so crowded. They’re too small. We can’t get one more car on the road.”

Councilman Weiss looks up from the coyote infestation report he’s been pretending to read and says, “El heffe! Don’t worry. We’ll build more carpool lanes. We’ll build more freeways. You’ll feel much better. There’s always room for more cars, dude!”

What a country! How can anything be wrong in a place where two men from such totally divergent ethnicities and cultures can be equally dumb. The fat man, of course, doesn’t need bigger pants, he needs a smaller appetite. The mayor doesn’t need more freeway space, he needs fewer cars. What he really needs is a public transportation system aimed at the entire public, not just those who are too old, too young, too disabled, or too poor to drive.

Still, what a country!

a foot on either side

Bart Braverman

FLIGHT PLANS

Flying used to be fun. People dressed up for it. Airline employees were courteous; stewardesses were young and pretty and adventurous; seats were, if not spacious at least livable; it was a special event, filled with anticipation, good manners, and just enough fear to make the drinks taste better. The airline industry, aided by the promotion of fear, has turned passengers into cattle: we are pushed, prodded, and crowded onto flying boxcars; we are drained of every nickel and robbed of all civility; then unceremoniously offloaded at the other end. Flying isn’t really fun any more.

The “Passenger Bill of Rights” just released by Jet Blue’s is similar to the non-binding resolution just passed by Congress: too little too late, and unenforceable. This empty apology to air travelers “guarantees” financial compensation for departure delays, starting at $25 for the first hour and increasing as the clock ticks. All this comes in the wake of last week’s snow storm, during which thousands of passengers were literally held captive aboard grounded airliners for as much as eleven hours.

Apologies are great, but this one comes with a huge caveat: the “guarantee” only counts if delays are caused by Jet Blue. In other words, bad weather equals zero compensation. This isn’t a bill of rights, it’s an article of deception.

My guess is that Jet Blue’s sudden magnanimity is an effort to keep Congress from passing a real bill of rights for fliers, a legally binding bill of rights that would give fliers some real choices, and force airlines to treat their customers with dignity and respect. It might bring the fun back to flying.

a foot on eiher side

Bart Braverman

TERM LIMITS

A small group of Californians is trying to stretch the limits of term limits. According to an L. A. Times article, “Special interests with close ties to lawmakers launched a ballot initiative Thursday that would allow current legislators to stay in office up to six years longer than term limits permit.” The new formula is kind of complicated and the article is a long one, but the heart of the issue is contained in the first half of that first sentence: “Special interests with close ties to lawmakers launched a ballot initiative . . . “

In other words, big time campaign contributors have a number of powerful state politicians neatly tucked away in their pockets and don’t want to let them out any sooner than they have to. Interestingly enough, the whole purpose of term limits is to prevent the formation of close ties between special interests and lawmakers.

(whiney voice) “But it takes at least two terms just to get the hang of things. Term limits force lawmakers out just when they’re becoming effective.” All right, fair enough. How about this:
1. Newly elected lawmakers get reduced salaries. Minimum wage would be a good place to start. Full salaries go to “effective” lawmakers only. Some sort of demonstrable standard would have to be established.
2. Issue a copy of “Legislating For Dummys” to each candidate during an election, with a test at the end. If you win the election but don’t pass the test, you lose. If you pass the test but don’t win the election, you lose. If this is just too difficult for you, don’t run.

Term limits were put in place by voters. If we’re not careful, they will be replaced by $pecical interest$.

a foot on either side

Bart Braverman

SAFETY FEATURES

We went with the Prius. It looks like an anteater, but it gets that great mileage and makes you feel like you’re doing something for the planet. Sometimes you just have to do the right thing.

It came with a trunkfull of safety features, most of them pretty standard. The one I could live without is the seatbelt alarm. I don’t much care for wearing seatbelts, but two seconds after you put the car in gear – just enough time to get rolling – a steady beeping sound begins, like a heart monitor. You reach back for the seatbelt, but some design engineer who probably takes the bus has placed it so far behind you it’s hard to grab. Three seconds later the beeps double, and I’m pretty sure they get louder. Now the pressure starts to build; you wish you had lost that stupid five pounds so your fat butt wouldn’t be covering the receptor half of the buckle. You can’t drive - it’s too annoying. You have to pull over and try to buckle up. You feel like screaming, “Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

Worse than that, this particular safety feature wasn’t even designed for your safety. The insurance industry pressured legislators to mandate seatbelt use as a way of increasing profits by reducing serious injuries. That the law happened to benefit drivers and passengers is little more than a happy accident. Believe me, if the insurance industry could make higher profits from crippling injuries, the Special Olympics would be much bigger.

On the other hand, if the government really did care about driver safety they wouldn’t allow freeways to look like NASCAR tracks. Since the majority of traffic deaths result from high speed crashes, reducing traffic deaths is as easy as reducing speed. Perhaps just a simple, annoying alarm whenever you top 65 mph. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot, we can’t reduce speed. In order to sell more cars, the auto industry uses speed to create the image of sex appeal, convincing every-day car buyers that they are actually sexy car racers (frankly I’m surprised each Mustang and Corvette doesn’t come with a jar of personal lubricant for in-car masturbation).

Certainly some traffic deaths are inevitable, but forty to fifty thousand lives could be saved every year if the auto industry could just figure out a different marketing strategy. On the other hand, you gotta love a government that so blatantly panders to its financial supporters.

a foot on either side

Bart Braverman

FIRST IRAN, NOW I'M POOPED

A number of commentators seem to feel the president is preparing the path to yet another war by saying that Iran is supplying weapons to Iraqi Shiites, some of which are used to kill American soldiers. Of course for my money, if the administration says it’s true, that’s reason enough to doubt it (see: Scooter Libby and Douglas J. Feith). But true or false, going to go to war with Iran is not the next obvious step.

First of all, the administration's sudden alarm is highly suspect. Iran’s involvement is not news; they have been helping Iraqi Shiites from the beginning. Secondly, since the U S is the largest weapons purveyor in the world, supplying more arms to more armies than all other nations combined, we have all but ceded the moral high ground in this argument.

Finally, President Bush continually proffers the image of the barbarians at the gate. But to most of the world, the gate is Iran’s, and the barbarians are us. All other considerations aside, they are not in our backyard, we are in theirs. If Iran invaded Canada (just go with the image), you can be damn sure you’d find American weapons on the battlefield.

American soldiers have fought in this war, as always, with courage and honor. The way to avoid having them killed by Iranian weapons is to get them off the battlefield. It’s time to bring the troops home!

a foot on either side

Bart Braverman

FLIGHT PLANS

Midway through my normal, Farmers Market lunch, I was joined by two couples. In their mid-sixties they are all retired, middle class Californians. Though they do not watch news with the same fanatic attention as some of us, they keep pretty well informed.

During lunch, one of them related a story she had seen on FOX News. According to FOX, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was demanding a private jet to fly her back and forth from San Francisco to Washington, D. C. Her reason was that there were no non-stop flights. I hadn’t heard the story, and so, couldn’t comment. My friends took it at face value and assumed it to be true.

The story is false. The truth is this: Since the Speaker is first in line behind the Vice President in case of death or injury to the President, she is required, by law, to travel in military aircraft, for security. FOX certainly knew this, but reported the story falsely in order to create a negative impression of the Democratic Speaker. As always, though, the story contained just enough truth to sound reasonable. FOX is not a news network, it is a P. R. outlet for the conservative wing of the Republican Party.

News, like authority, should always be questioned.

a foot on either side

Bartley

SCOOTERRRRR !!!!

The prosecution wrapped up its case today against Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to the vice president, who is charged with lying to a grand jury. If you watch Hardball you already know what’s happening. If you don’t, here’s a play-by-play:

* The president’s stated reason for going to war was that Hussein had, or almost had, nuclear weapons.
* A British intelligence report said that Hussein had tried to buy nuclear material from the African nation of Niger, but the CIA told the White House the story wasn’t true.
* Cheney then tells the CIA to send someone to Niger to check it out.
* The CIA sends Joe Wilson, a former ambassador familiar with the area. Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame, happens to be an undercover CIA agent.
* Wilson discovers that the story is completely bogus.
* The president uses the story in his State of the Union speech anyway.
* Wilson writes an op-ed for the N. Y. Times, saying the story was bogus.

What happened next depends on who you believe. Here’s what the prosecutor believes.

* Cheney tells Scooter to carefully leak the fact that Valerie Plame (Mrs. Wilson) works at the CIA, and that she was the one who sent him to Niger.

This was an attempt to undermine Wilson’s credibility by making the trip look like a nepotistic “gimme”. They were perfectly willing to uncover an undercover agent in the process. How much Bush knew about any of this is up for grabs.

* An investigation is begun.
* Libby testifies to the grand jury that he didn’t know anything about Valerie Plame until reporters told him; among them, Tim Russert.
* Russert testified today that he did not tell Scooter about Valerie Plame, that he didn’t know who she was at that time.
* A number of other reporters have testified that Scooter told them about Mrs. Wilson.

If convicted, Scooter faces from two to twenty years, depending.

a foot on either side

Bartley B