PUSSESSED

Think you know what’s happening in L. A.? Wrong!!! There is a movement afoot, right under your nose, and you haven’t been called.

Amidst the trendy shops in the trendy section of Melrose between Fairfax and La Brea, there’s one I hadn’t noticed before. Munky King is located just west of Pointsettia, and the joint is jumpin’. Hundreds of anxious consumers have been lined up since seven o’clock this morning, waiting for the store to open at three this afternoon so they could buy … a toy! A small toy bear called, Pussessed: as in, possessed by the devil.

No one seemed to know the name of the artist who created the toy, but they’ve been waiting for it for three years; Munky King is apparently the only store in town – if not the only one in the universe – that has it; the crowds will continue through at least eleven o’clock this evening; and the “show” – I couldn’t find out what that is, but it has something to do with the toy – will continue for three weeks.

I confess, it’s a bit unnerving to find out that a major art movement is taking place within a few blocks of my house and I was completely in the dark. I’m gonna have to start reading L. A. Weekly or something.

NEWTERED

Though politicians in general do seem to have trouble remembering their past missteps, when it comes to totally reinventing yourself, Newt Gingrich takes the cake. He is, of course, a former Speaker of the House, author of the political doctrine, “Contract With America,” which was instrumental in sweeping the Republicans into power, and the driving force behind the impeachment of former President Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky scandal. Out of office for almost a decade, Gingrich has become, to the astonishment of some, an elder statesman of the conservative movement – his opinions are enthusiastically sought by a variety of political talk shows - and is poised to strike if no clear front-runner emerges for the Republican presidential nomination.

What strikes some people as astonishing is that not so long ago Mr. Gingrich was ridden out of town on a rail. Here’s what Wikipedia says about the former speaker, who eventually faced eighty-four separate ethics charges:

“Gingrich admitted that he had violated House rules. (He) was sanctioned for $300,000 after the House Ethics Committee concluded that his use of tax-deductible money for political purposes and inaccurate information supplied to investigators represented an "intentional or . . . reckless" disregard of House rules. Special Counsel James M. Cole concluded that Gingrich violated federal tax law and had lied to the ethics panel in an effort to force the committee to dismiss the complaint against him.”

The icing on the re-invention cake is that Mr. Gingrich, who so publicly disparaged Bill Clinton for being an adulterer and then lying to Congress about it, has, himself, been married three times and had a number of well publicized, extra-marital affairs. To this Mr. G responds, “I have, on occasion, not lived up to my own standards.” That’s what I call chutzpah, with a capital CH.

a foot on either side

PUMPING IRONY

With gas prices headed toward $4.00 and corn-based ethanol driving up the prices of dozens of corn-based foods, I began to wonder if there might not be a better idea floating around somewhere; something to replace the automobile. I knew it would have to be bold, clever, imaginative. It came to me in my sleep.

I dreamt I was at the Federal Building, talking to . . . whomever it is you talk to when you market something new.

“I call it the Bartley XCZR,” I said with smiling confidence: “It’s sleek, it’s comfortable, it’s affordable – almost everyone could have one – it’s reasonably fuel efficient and is packed with safety features. But the best part is, once we go into full production the Bartley will become a cornerstone of American industry. Worth billions. Really, it’s bitchen!” I said.

I paused, letting that sink in. “In the name of full disclosure,” I continued, “it does have a couple of small drawbacks. First, it uses fuel that isn’t readily available in North America, so we’d have to actually buy the fuel from other countries, some of which are run by ruthless dictators, others of which have theocracies whose human rights records make the Inquisition look bright. But we need the goddamn fuel so we’ll just have to abandon any sense of right and wrong, and grovel at their feet. I think it’s worth it.

“Also, despite all the safety features, once the Bartely becomes more or less universal, about 45 to 50,000 people will die in them every year . . . you know, depending on the weather. Plus a couple hundred thousand injured. Hey, did I mention that it comes equipped with an ipod hook-up and BOSE speakers . . . standard.”

I woke up, still thinking about mass transit, wondering how we had gotten here and where the hell we were going.

a foot on either side